Below I will try to answer some of the most often asked questions about our adoption. Our hope is to bring awareness to some issues so when you are talking to someone else about their adoption your questions can be thoughtful and informed. So often the questions hurtful, whether in the intent or in the delivery. We are by no means experts on this, the views expressed here are our opinions and experiences.
Please feel free to email us at
stolpeadoption@yahoo.com if you have further questions.
1.
Why international? Why not domestic? There are so many children here that need a good home too!
This is the most frequently asked question. It often feels as it is being asked in an accusatory way though. Hopefully I can shed some light on the differences that we found and why we made this choice for our family. I usually answer by saying it was the right decision for our family. When we started to consider adopting we knew very little about the process and did not know which direction to choose, domestic or international and then what country if we went international. Then my dad made a very good point and it really helped to guide our decision making process. He said, “Rachel, if you were going to have another biological child you would take every precaution to have as healthy of a child as possible. You would eat right, take vitamins and take really good care of your self. Then that is what you want when you adopt.” He is right. Domestic or foster care adoptions bring along a much higher probability of special needs. The birth mothers generally did not intend to get pregnant and are not intending to keep the babies and prenatal care is minimal or non-existent. For those people that do adopt special needs children, I commend you. It is just not where we are at right now. David works with that population all day and does not want to come home to it. Also, we don’t want to wait the several years it could take for a domestic adoption. The way they work is that you post your profile with an agency and then wait for a birth mother to pick you. After she picks you, she can at any time change her mind, EVEN after you have taken the baby home. I can’t risk that. Plus it is a lot more expensive to adopt domestically. Now about foster care. Many of the children David works with are in foster settings. His employer has very strict rules about employees taking in foster kids, so it would be very difficult to do. I know that the county will pay you to take them in and sometimes you can even adopt them. I have so much respect for families that do this. It is not where we are at right now. We want a sibling for Sam and a child for us. We feel that it would be too disruptive for Sam to have different children in and out of the house. So, for these reasons we chose to adopt internationally.
2.
Why China?Once we decided to go international we then had to pick a country. We were at an adoption information fair around Thanksgiving and met some great people that really helped steer our decision. We met a woman from the FCC (Families with Children from China) organization (
www.fwcc.org) and we talked to her about her experience. We then met Sandy from Children’s Hope Network (www.childrenshopenetwork.org) and decided to go with her for our local agency. She had more information about China and so we decided to move in that direction. It just felt right. Basically, China is a very stable and predictable country to adopt from. The process is orderly and does not change much. It is also one of the least expensive countries to adopt from. Furthermore, you are only required to travel there once. Some countries require two or more trips. Another reason goes back to the first question and the reason of wanting a healthy baby. The babies in China that are adopted out are generally very healthy. The women are hoping to have a boy and are intending to keep the baby, so they are taking very good care of themselves. The last reason is a bit silly, but I will still share it. The woman from the FCC said, “you know you are pretty much guaranteed a girl”. We had never thought one way or the other about a preference of a girl or boy. When the option was given, we got really excited about a baby girl and a sister for Sam. Then we started to learn more about China and the plight of the girls there and were even more determined to make this happen. In the Stolpe family there are 13 great grandchildren and only one is a girl, our daughter will be the 14th and the second girl. David’s grandparents are really excited for another girl!
3.
You knew it was expensive, why did you even start if you knew you did not have enough money?
It is true, we did know up front how expensive it was. Both our agencies were very open about disclosing all the expenses. We started this process as a leap of faith. My parents said they would support us and they gave us a very generous start. We knew somehow, God would bless our decision and see us through. Finally we really felt we had no other option. The few years that we struggled with infertility were so hard on us. The continuing disappointment each month that I did not get pregnant was unbearable. Then on top of our own desires, Sam desperately wanted to be a big brother and would talk about it constantly. He would ask, “Mommy, when can I be a big brother?” and “Can you make me a baby?” Since my infertility is unexplained, there is nothing the doctors can really do. I do not tolerate the hormones so medical treatments were not an option. So, this was our only option. We just pray that through our own hard work and the generosity of our friends and family, we can bring our daughter home.
4.
Now that you are adopting you will get pregnant, right?!
Ok, maybe this is more of a statement, but it needs to be addressed. Just because your cousin’s neighbor’s babysitter’s friend got pregnant after she adopted, does not mean all women do. When it is brought up it just reminds us of our infertility struggles. If it is brought up in front of our daughter, she could think, am I not good enough? She still wants a biological child? Plus David and I have only ever wanted two kids. If I could not get pregnant before, I can’t now. Please don’t ask me, or any other woman who is adopting, this question.
